Or it honestly could be both, I suppose. I should explain.
Two weeks ago today Cami gasped from the bathroom and I came running. It was there. “Gravid” was displayed in all its glory. I was elated, but life must continue and Sally needed her walk. Cami went up to lay in bed and we went outside. As we rounded the side of the barn, she jumping happily and floppily as only Sally can and me grinning from ear to ear, a small shock of red on the very green landscape caught my eye. One single brilliant poppy had bloomed in the middle of some uncut grass. I picked it, Sally did her business and we returned home. I gave the poppy to Cami and we talked about how at four weeks, which she was at that point, the baby is about the size of a poppy seed. I took it as a sign.
Cami had pretty bad nausea the next two days. When she returned from work on the third day, I could tell something was wrong. She said that she had felt no nausea at all that day and it scared her. She called the local health clinic and spoke with an on-call nurse who was not very reassuring. She said that while symptoms could come and go, sometimes a woman just knew that she was no longer pregnant. That’s exactly how Cami said she felt, like she wasn’t pregnant anymore. There just wasn’t a lot either of us could say to that. It was so early and so scary. I told her I was sure it was nothing and that some women would vomit all day long one day and eat everything in sight the next. I wanted to keep positive for her, but I was scared to death. Once again, Sally and I had to take a walk. We do that a LOT. All the worry and feelings of helplessness were weighing heavily on me as we rounded the barn again. There they were. Two beautiful blooming poppies. I am not saying that they miraculously bloomed in the late evening, I had just somehow managed to miss them on our 6 or 7 previous walks that day. Something made me notice them this time. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace. I knew our little poppy seed was just fine. Her symptoms returned a day later.
Well, the poppies are in full bloom now. There are 20-30 over in the field of wildflowers, just as bright in contrast as they could be. Every time Sally and I walk and I am thinking about the baby, which is always, they will surprise me. Every single time is like a big warm hug or feeling of peace.
Today, as we were driving back from Gothenburg (the migration meeting went very well, btw!), my mind was in overdrive. I had mentioned the pregnancy to the interviewer and they congratulated us and used our due date as one of the separate interview questions. We’d been to a baby store and picked up a free “expecting” kit. We also priced a few things we would either need or like to have. It was a beautiful, baby-centric day. As Cami was going through the papers and coupons that came with the free kit, I began to think about the ultrasound, which is still four weeks away. On one hand, I can’t wait. I think that hearing the heartbeat is going to be amazing, as it is for most expecting parents. On the other hand, there’s also the chance that no heartbeat will be present. That would be crushing. Regardless of the outcome, it’s completely out of our hands. I hate that feeling. I could feel the anxiety building as I thought about the possibility of something bad happening. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I said a prayer and told God that I was laying it all on Him. Then, in my head, of course, I joked, “Okay, big guy. Where’s my poppy?” I swear to you on everything that means anything to me, that I looked up at a hill we were passing and right there, in the middle of the tall weeds, was one big, vibrant red poppy standing as proud as you please. I think I shrieked, “Oh my God!”, started laughing and covered my mouth. I am not sure how I kept on the road.
You can call me nuts or assume I am smoking something, but with all the crazy in the world, I will take my comfort where I can get it, even in the form of wildflowers. I walked over to the ones in the field this evening and noticed the petals of the ones that had already bloomed all over the ground, but I also noticed dozens of buds ready to take their places. I know there won’t always be poppies throughout the pregnancy and I am realistic about the possible complications, but now, in the most critical of stages, they are my own little blessing. I think God works like that. He answers if you are patient and observant. I have never felt so blessed in my life.
