Well, our second attempt came and went without the positive we were hoping for. The second round was as opposite from the first as it could be. No symptoms. No certainty. Somewhere in the back of my mind I took that as a good sign. Cami seemed to know that the test would be negative. It was more immediately emotional this time. Rather than just sadness, I think we both experienced a lot of anger. There are people having babies all over the place. 16 year olds get their own episodes of MTV reality shows for accidentally getting knocked up. Jillian Michaels, who has been chronicling her road to adopting a little girl from Haiti had a bit of a surprise for her fans. The same week that the adoption came through, her partner gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She became the mother to two in one week! I was so jealous I couldn't see straight. She honestly seems over the moon and I'm happy for her, but it still got to me. Then there are the spoiled idiots who can barely care for themselves. They are having babies and whining about whatever thing they feel they are entitled to, be it attention, baby-sitters, familial support, and it's all playing out on my Facebook feed. Ugh.
We weren't sure if timing would be in our favor to try again in June. We still don't know if it will work out, but we are going to try. Cami is filling herself up with those fun hormones and we'll be having an ultrasound on Friday. We hope we can inseminate before the Beach crew rolls in from the US the following week. Maybe being busy with them will make the two weeks of waiting go a little faster. I think we're even less hopeful this time than we were last month. It's absolutely taking its toll on us emotionally. When I called the clinic to tell them we had a negative result, the midwife asked if we wanted to take a little break. Had you asked me before we started this, I wouldn't have imagined taking a break. I would have thought rolling from month to month, without the possibility of missing a cycle, would be the way to go. Now I can't imagine that. We are trying in June, but mainly because the clinic will be closed in July. If this attempt doesn't result in a pregnancy, we will take a much needed break. We've only been at this for a little over two months and it feels like a year. I don't know that one could ever be prepared for how difficult this journey is.
I have worried since we decided to try to have a baby that we have been setting ourselves up for pain. We are both planners and bargain hunters. When something was on sale that we thought we might need for a future baby, we bought it. Now, those items that were so much fun before (the pram, the, car seat, the crib, the bouncy seat, the BabyBjörn, the tons of clothes, the blankets I have been making) are a bit of a reminder that it's really out of our hands. I don't like to gamble. I don't like to take chances. I am the girl that will go with her friends to a casino, get $20 worth of dimes and sit and play video slots all night. If I double my money or run out, even if it's in the first 15 minutes, I am done. I am happy to sit and watch others gamble the big bucks. (Though once I did win $147 in the first hour. I put it all away and ended up buying everyone dinner that night.) Now I have to put my money down and wait for that little ball to settle somewhere on a roulette wheel. It's not a fun position to be in.
No comments:
Post a Comment